@ Thursday, 20. Apr, 2006 – 17:36:24
Today : The unthinkable happened.
Today : I lost my son.
Today : I accepted I had lost him at least 2 years ago.
Today : I try to encapsulate WHAT that loss entails.
Today : Is the beginning of tomorrow; the end of yesterday but the start of a new beginning for him.
eggbod
SerendipLady
Hi Eggbod
Yes bald indeed yet sadly true. Wonderfully put (your words), yes! He is certainly lost within the sullen arms of teenage angst and something more, something undefinable, and I have been struggling with what (if anything) to put next to reach him (if at all).
His comments (to my poem) hauntingly sad and yet intensely hurtful. He means to wound. He wants to rage against all I believe in, he doesnt want to understand only prevail in everything.
I still am blundering around this site wondering how to use its tools. Although I have been criticised for using this medium to reach out to my son. I only want his happiness and safety and if that means he is away from my embrace and daily care, it was a choice already made, by circumstances. Staying here was wholly unsafe and unwise, he was failing to thrive in any area of his life. It was not a step I took lightly.
Linda
SerendipLady
Hi Eggbod
Yes bald indeed yet sadly true. Wonderfully put (your words), yes! He is certainly lost within the sullen arms of teenage angst and something more, something undefinable, and I have been struggling with what (if anything) to put next to reach him (if at all).
His comments (to my poem) hauntingly sad and yet intensely hurtful. He means to wound. He wants to rage against all I believe in, he doesnt want to understand only prevail in everything.
I still am blundering around this site wondering how to use its tools. Although I have been criticised for using this medium to reach out to my son. I only want his happiness and safety and if that means he is away from my embrace and daily care, it was a choice already made, by circumstances. Staying here was wholly unsafe and unwise, he was failing to thrive in any area of his life. It was not a step I took lightly.
Linda
eggbod
I don't want to sound trite but the words......"you always hurt the ones you love" are very true. He sounds like he is "lashing out" at you. Most teenagers do this. It hurts like hell.
If you have been criticised for using your blog to "reach out", ignore this. This is your blog. And his comments to your poem are at least some form of communication. He knows you are there - somewhere.
You made the decision you had to based on his well-being as any mother would. It's simple. You are his mother and you love him.
Chris
SerendipLady
Thanks Eggbod
And hey... no of course I dont hold it against you for using someone else's work (vis a vis Age Activated ADD) It still made me laugh and the rest of your blog is riveting stuff!
You are right too re. the blog, at least it is some sort of communication. I wrote him a letter (with poem inside) I had no idea whether he would read it or just tear it up... so I wrote this blog.. Trouble is I havent got very far lately! I have also (first time ever) broken a bone! In my foot (in 2 places) and damaged other foot falling down my basement! Am now in crutches. Great!
Keep on blogging!
Linda
my responses have been completely logical how do you expect me to feel when your pretending to be something your not and writing about it on the internet and refusing to talk to me i am upset with what youve done but alot more angry with how youve gone on about it
and why did you show john my letter?
Linda
I have had the "pleasure" of reading your very moving ode, and I have to say that I am impressed by your obvious talent as a poet. I, however, regret that I find myself wondering "what about the little boy" ?
I feel that the entire poem revolves around you and your fragile emotional state. I am very concerned that you as a mother can even think about your own feelings,let alone write poetry and publish it on the internet!! Surely your prime and overiding concern should be the welfare of your son.
I dearly hope that Anthony isnt an only child, because, having read your poem, what an extraordinary load that child must be bearing!
As a mother and psychologist, I feel that I am qualified to observe that the way you behave will inevitably define the adult that Anthony will become and will perpetuate throughout your familie's generations. I feel strongly that you should excercise extreme care in the way you communicate with your son as it appears to me from his responses that you may already have damage on your hands
Curious about your injury. Have you had two accidents? since the first mention was of the 2 broken bones in your foot then you mentioned a broken ankle as well.
Best wishes
Cattylinda
cattylinda
“Serendiplady"
I read your email with some dismay, I made my comments in public and yet your reply came privately, shame on you. I won’t engage further behind closed doors.
How sadly common that your reply should be so defensive when your son seems to be the real victim here, but he’s young still and he’ll bounce back, will you?
As for your broken ankle, is it or isn’t it? Do make your mind up http://storyteller.blog.co.uk/2006/05/13/where_are_you_sitting~797364#comments.
Must go now, please respect the spirit of blogging and post any further response where others can read it.
Cattylinda
Or predictably enough: Linda
thank you cattylinda
steinberg
You were a little sketchy on what the problem was. Has he turned into a foul mouthed, house wrecking twat or does he just need some space. as we all do.
No one can judge what you have done wrong except the mirror.
You have lost the child. but not the man. He would do well to spend some time with people who have seen life at its best and witnessed the world at its worst.
Few people really appreciate their own life until they have spent time with terminally ill children, children able to comprehend their own death.
MAKES YOU THINK DOESNT IT.
Dear Steinberg
Thank you so much for your erudite comments. Thankfully not 'condemning like 'CattyLinda's' were!
She didnt bother to get any detail, she just judged and found me wanting...... very strange actions for a 'Psychologist' I must say! Her nastiness rather put me off the whole Blog concept, which is a shame, so yours was refreshing and welcome - Thank you!
The trouble is, since the situation is clearly VERY delicate, I didnt want to converse publicly with such a rigid person, making my son feel even more marginalised, or vindicated, so I refrained - an action which she took to mean she could rant at me with impunity!!
The ONLY REASON I originally started the Blog was because I needed to be sure he had read my letter to him and my poem (I am a published poet) as since April I have not spoken to him, other than a couple of words, as he is clearly still very angry.
I believed at the time, he had torn it up - I am very green as regards the internet and I thought, since he is brilliant on it, he would read it online! Clearly, he didnt appreciate it and it was a mistake, but I didnt know how else to reach him....
Obviously, the whole picture is always muddied by other people's views and slants, but briefly, he got involved with 18 year olds and at 12/13 was running around for them, unfortunately also involving drugs/drink. He started (even allowing for teenage angst) acting strangely, eyes weird, slurring speech, and went from being near the top at a grammar school and ending totally at the bottom of his year - about to be expelled! It was went he came in at 2 am, and when challenged, then disappeared for a couple of days, that I decided enough was enough. I was working then 6 days a week and gave up to police it, but even that wasnt enough. I couldnt stand back and let him slip any further, a parent doesnt always have easy options to take. This was the one I felt I had to take. NONE OF WHICH CATTYLINDA BOTHERED TO FIND OUT !!!!!!
His father, initially, agreed wholeheartedly that living with him was the only option, and then appeared to renege on it by saying I had effectively 'dumped' Anthony with him.
Since April, I have had virtually no contact. I cannot allow him to stay at my house, as his 'friends' constantly angrily ring, upset they have lost their patsy. I have offered to come to him in North London but he doesnt want that, he has even refused a holiday.
Although I miss him terribly (as do the other 2 children) I know in my heart of hearts, it was the ONLY thing I could do. That doesnt make living with the reality any easier. I have some terrible days where I just cry or get depressed as to whether I shall ever have the same easy relationship we had before. (I have had all the children since my daughter was 10 months old - she is 10)
Incidentally, I was TOLD by a specialist I had broken my foot in 2 places. But when the plaster came off, I was told it was probably only a fracture !!! But Im no Doctor so how could I possibly know ?? Thanks again Catty!
Thank you VERY much for your comment about the mirror ! That is SO right! CattyLinda please note!!! There but for the grace of God, go we! Judge not, lest we be judged!
I think he is getting alot out of living with his father now - after all, he is half his responsibility! But unless and until he accepts his part in this major shift in his life, he will NEVER grow or learn from it......
As regards terminally ill children, I will have the opportunity soon to witness that first hand. Through my studies in Reflexology, I will be giving my time free of charge one day a week to a Hospice, where I shall meet all kinds of challenges and people who dont have that many choices left. I hope to learn an awful lot from them and relish the opportunity to really make a difference, by empowering their loved ones also, to put into practice the manipulations for their loved-one, enabling them to feel they are doing something positive to show their love.
Do continue to write with such clarify of vision, and thanks for giving me faith in human nature again!!!
steinberg
Hi
I originally went to your page, because the server sent me an e-mail with your page link, and some thing about a comment. I think it messed up with eggbod.
Psychologist's they are all trying to find themselves. There shelves are usually full of those zany self help books, you roll your eye's at.
I read one quote in a security book:
"Nutters are attracted to Psychology, like moths to a flame".
Did make me laugh, i've been out with a few psyco grads in my time.
I find the scene on the blogg very polite, you should check out how wild the newsgroups can get. its called flaming. people get into flame wars you wouldnt believe. its like web road rage 
The insults are superb and really nasty. and yet strangley amusing like a jerry springer riot.
I dont think writing poetry is a good way to communicate with this situation. needs eye contact.
I see someone 'das visitor' wrote a comment.
Does he understand that this is your blogg and I'm writing to you. and he isnt in the equation here. Would you explain that (the royal we) dont want to see him end up on Heroin. but the life isnt that nice and neither are a lot of people in it. and there are lots of people who really dont give a shit. thats just how things are.
I dont have much more time to spend in blogg land. I think the kid needs a reality check. He might grow up or he might die not trying. or perhaps get to 16 and have reading problems on par with the village idiot. best of luck, if your snooping here.
I'm sorry you have such a problem. You see a lot of bad parents doing there thing, and some good ones who have to suffer societies contamination.
I have to go, good luck.
Dear Steinberg
Thank you so much for your reply. Your psychologist's encapsulisation did make me smile!
I couldnt agree with you more - vis a vis the poem (although it did come with a lengthy letter) - YES, of course eye to eye contact would have be best, but he refused to speak to me. I added the poem as he knows I write them and I hoped it might help..... clearly it didnt!!! I continue to hope for eye to eye discussion, but so far without much success.
I have sent a reply (which I hope you read) it appeared 5 MINS after you sent your reply!! I basically say that you are entitled to your opinion as Cattylinda was (although NOT her judgement of me, but I take on board your point about flaming, so I probably got off rather lightly in that regard(!)) Thanks also for your other comments, they too were very salient.
I am sorry you can't linger longer in Blogland. It was nice to have a more positive response.
I shall keep my fingers crossed. But until he accepts SOME responsibility then I am at a loss how to proceed, other than being there should be ever decide to talk. I offered a holiday in Disneyland (never been before) with my 10 year old daughter but he has said emphatically NO! We go tomorrow and he stubbornly sits at home at his dads, going nowhere.
I hope I hear from you again, and Im sorry you were subject to my son's rudeness!
With kind regards
Linda
A poem like that so delusioned and expect me to be grateful for it and i was never at the top of that school.Id like to see u try an you come up some names that are even nearly 18 and going about saying that im like the worst child in the world i mean mom you exaggerate on some much shit! Was even worse is that if you had really thought of me as much as that shitty poem,why keep making stuff up thats never happened.An was problem with this cattylinda lady i happen to think what she said was very good but of corse like with me if they say any that doesnt agree with u an these ideas that u have created, u just have to lash out oh 'u dont no what your talking about,this has got nothing to do with you' bla bla bla of corse nothing is true that she says and just because shes a psychologist doesnt mean that she knows anything.
i hope youll youll read this properly as usually u d just pick at the bad points what else is bad is that have u already known how 'unnapreciated' all this is then why bother keep do it unless is to justify for you why you did it, or am i wrong?
And u can shut up sateinberg .talking so boldly about a something u know nothing about thas the problem with people like u thinking they can pry into a bit of someones personal life and believe that what u have to say has any meaningful significance.
and mom sorry but hadnt managed to finish reading your letter last time,before i posted but i challenge to explain this thing that must happened at 2am as i know little of it a specially the part about disappearing for a couple of days. your lenghts of creativity have no limits and u still tryan a make things sound worse than they are as i see i havnt seen you AT ALL ever since i went april and i didnt SEE U WHEN WE WENT TOGETHER FOR RICHARDS BIRTHDAY MEAL about a week ago. well it must just be more difficult for some to tell the difference between real life and imagination.
I would like to see how this work with children at a hospital is going to turn out. it sounds like a great idea for you as your so good at 'empowering people and their loved ones' and making people feel better.
And this bloody holiday now why do u expect me to wanna spend my time in something so awquard as going to disneyland with you and john all the showing how grateful i am to you, and aside from rosies company on the boat rides or spinning cups or flying elephants how do you expect me to fun alone on a rollercoaster.
And once again you lie my friends wouldnt bother ringing there PATSY from your phone knowing how you are as a mum, i have no memory of you offering to come and stay with me for awhile (and you surely think that would be a comfortable arrangment) is almost as if you invent these situations on purpose to leave me with no option and you use it against me when you get the answer ud inevitably get.
Anthony: In answer to your many comments...
1. Your 11+ result was high so you got in the grammar school at a high level. Simple as that. You were about to be expelled. I got you out BEFORE that happened otherwise your present school would NOT have accepted you! You would have ended up in a Unit.
2. 2 am was the night of the party you went to with Sam. I had to plead with Sam to send you home. I offered to collect you. You wouldnt say where you where. I had to wait up until you arrived. I didnt shout or say anything to you then. I just went to bed. You wouldnt have listened anyway. I was sick of speaking to someone who was 'switched off' through drugs and, that night, drink as well!
3. My comment was 'since April I have had VIRTUALLY no contact' and THAT is TRUE!
If you think sitting on a noisy restaurant table at a birthday do (that your Dad forced you to attend)is 'seeing' and 'talking meaningfully' to you then sobeit! (And we travelled all the way to London to have it so you could attend, and Richard had been at work ALL day so it was very nice of him to agree to that!)
4. I didnt offer to stay with you! Only take you out and allow you the space and time to TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL - just us two! You have declined EVERY TIME.
If YOU wanted to talk instead of ranting on here, it would be more helpful to know how you feel, but you would rather take pot shots on here and hope others will feel sorry for you!
You dont want to talk. You just want to be angry. You dont listen because you have no answers as to why you were acting as you were. Just saying you are a teenager isnt enough.
5. Your 'friends' ring often (on different nos) I have had to installed 'calls barring' on my phone - they ring when they are drunk! They are very abusive and threaten me. Lovely people!
6. Steinberg has an opinion - you dont like it so you trash it. I didnt tell Cattylinda to 'SHUT UP' - I just ignored her - because she did not have ANY of the facts - yet she felt it 'just' to judge me! That is NOT the actions of a 'professional'. Yours are not the words of a loving son, yet up to 12 you were very loving and very much my son.
Why dont you take a long look at yourself Anthony before you start ranting again and ask yourself honestly, have I not cared for you, the best I can?
If your clear answer is..... No! Then, as I have said before, we dont have much to say to each other do we? That does not stop me asking how you are and continuing to be involved in your life (albeit from a distance) That doesnt stop me loving you either.
It is, as I have said before, YOUR choice. It is your life. Make of it as you will. Try to enjoy it though - cos it is the ONLY one you have and every day should count!
As to your comment re. dying people and children. I really dont think a reply is necessary. You have no right to judge me either. You are being very childish and I dont deserve it.
Try answering honestly for once, If you can! But I doubt you will even try, it will require you having to look at yourself critically, and trying to see another's point of view for once. Good luck!
Mum
Mum everythings gotta be so fucking dramatic all the time. Why bother? 1. first post on 'lostson' Anthony's dad collected him this evening (6th April) He is 13 years old. Anthony finally left (taking his clothes) on 10th April. I wrote this poem today because I wanted him to know how much he is missed.... (i dont get this still BUT; YES i did leave around sixth of April, NO i didnt see you for atleast another 4 WEEKS!, my arse.) 2. Today : The unthinkable happened. Today : I lost my son. Today : I accepted I had lost him at least 2 years ago. Today : I try to encapsulate WHAT that loss entails. Today : Is the beginning of tomorrow; the end of yesterday but the start of a new beginning for him. (What a load of shit) 3. Hi Subzzz You certainly are prolific on here!!! You have SO many friends to! What does one have to do to gain your heady status!! Keep the jokes acoming Linda (Whats that all about. For part of a website dedicated to 'lostson'. It just sounds stupid.) 4. Hi Kim I am sorry. What I meant was that I read what you have written and reading that at such a momentous time (around the date I wrote my very first Blog... and believe me I am still struggling with what I can do on this site!) cheered me up. Unfortunately my Blog is about my 13 year old son leaving. That is why my Blog is entitled 'Lost Son' Thanks for your reply and sorry I misled you. Linda (And u say im writing for simpathy HA!) 5. .... lostson yeh... chat chat chat...(vis a vis Age Activated ADD)... yeah he used to stack bricks and stuff. (yeh thanks everyone agreeing with me is making me feel so much better.) 6. (Huh what someone thinking about anthony not me, what she must be evil how dare she.) Anthony: In answer to your many comments... 1. Your 11+ result was high so you got in the grammar school at a high level. Simple as that. You were about to be expelled. I got you out BEFORE that happened otherwise your present school would NOT have accepted you! You would have ended up in a Unit. 2. 2 am was the night of the party you went to with Sam. I had to plead with Sam to send you home. I offered to collect you. You wouldnt say where you where. I had to wait up until you arrived. I didnt shout or say anything to you then. I just went to bed. You wouldnt have listened anyway. I was sick of speaking to someone who was 'switched off' through drugs and, that night, drink as well! 3. My comment was 'since April I have had VIRTUALLY no contact' and THAT is TRUE! If you think sitting on a noisy restaurant table at a birthday do (that your Dad forced you to attend)is 'seeing' and 'talking meaningfully' to you then sobeit! (And we travelled all the way to London to have it so you could attend, and Richard had been at work ALL day so it was very nice of him to agree to that!) 4. I didnt offer to stay with you! Only take you out and allow you the space and time to TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL - just us two! You have declined EVERY TIME. If YOU wanted to talk instead of ranting on here, it would be more helpful to know how you feel, but you would rather take pot shots on here and hope others will feel sorry for you! You dont want to talk. You just want to be angry. You dont listen because you have no answers as to why you were acting as you were. Just saying you are a teenager isnt enough. 5. Your 'friends' ring often (on different nos) I have had to installed 'calls barring' on my phone - they ring when they are drunk! They are very abusive and threaten me. Lovely people! 6. Steinberg has an opinion - you dont like it so you trash it. I didnt tell Cattylinda to 'SHUT UP' - I just ignored her - because she did not have ANY of the facts - yet she felt it 'just' to judge me! That is NOT the actions of a 'professional'. Yours are not the words of a loving son, yet up to 12 you were very loving and very much my son. Why dont you take a long look at yourself Anthony before you start ranting again and ask yourself honestly, have I not cared for you, the best I can? If your clear answer is..... No! Then, as I have said before, we dont have much to say to each other do we? That does not stop me asking how you are and continuing to be involved in your life (albeit from a distance) That doesnt stop me loving you either. It is, as I have said before, YOUR choice. It is your life. Make of it as you will. Try to enjoy it though - cos it is the ONLY one you have and every day should count! As to your comment re. dying people and children. I really dont think a reply is necessary. You have no right to judge me either. You are being very childish and I dont deserve it. Try answering honestly for once, If you can! But I doubt you will even try, it will require you having to look at yourself critically, and trying to see another's point of view for once. Good luck! Mum Mom: In answer to your so many comments... 1. i passed my 11+ and i didnt pass it by much so stop that.And its not my fault if u put in the most boring school in sidcup that i might get into trouble sometimes and stop exaggerating again because we cleared all that stuff up with the school atlest a month and half before the Easter holidays 2. And whats this shit about pleading with Sam. I told u i was going to a party it got a bit late which i DIDNT realise (as I've said) and as soon as u called i left and ran back home. And offering to pick me up thats a joke u really think i want the grief of having you come pick me up and tell me how bad i am no thanks and its not as if ud have done it anyway. When i did get back u did talk to me or more shout at me and yeh i had had some some drinks but i was hardly drunk when i arrived and no mum i hadnt been smoking drugs like u had already realised after searching me for about half hour.(STILL DONT STOP U WRITING IT THOUGH) And what happened to the 'always coming in late' u havent got much proof for it have u. 3. Dont try and justify it why bother. Why stand there and LIE. Whats the point i writing that at all because from what i remember as awquard as it was we had quite a nice time unlike u so dreadfully PUT IT! 4. U really must be wrong, it doesnt take a genius to work out that someone wouldnt be to thrilled going to see there mum after writing so much bollocks about them on the internet. 5. Yeh lovely people, out of so many u think u might have got the jist of it by now that, u cant expect people to be nice to u when ur so horrible to them. But if thats what they do then i aggree its bad, ur obviously still exaggerating though if u say they do it often because ive had no warning of this lately. 6. Yeah steinbergs got an opinion alright, which more than u accept from me and i wouldnt call that ignoring her, i mean u even keep digging at her after saying it and unlike u and that wanker steinberg aggree a psychologist is not a just a badge it means that ur in a right enough state of mind to help other people with their own which is more than i can say for u. And these the words of an LOOOOVVVVING mother, and yet another dramatic number your son of 13 lost for an exaggerated 2 years has been a loving son until the age of 12? And what if i did say u hadnt been the best mum, would u stop writing on this blog thing or would u just go and write ANOTHER ONE. As to your comment re. dying people and children. I really dont think a reply is necessary. You have no right to judge me either. You are being very childish and I dont deserve it. Try answering honestly for once, If you can! But I doubt you will even try, it will require you having to look at yourself critically, and trying to see another's point of view for once. Good luck! Ant
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A bald statement.
Lost figuratively to the sullen arms of teenage angst? Forgive me if I'm nowhere near the mark.